Alone.

At first, I feel hesitant to write about the inner most dark thoughts that reside in my soul. I figured it would jeopardize a lot of things like my professional life, my social life – pretty much the “image” that I “want” perceived of me. But if writing is my only source of healing, why hold back? I don’t want to be looked down upon as the one who talks and talks and talks about depression to the ones that actually care to hear it.. maybe I can shed light to someone who reads this only to help themselves in their own life situation. Fear holds a lot of people back and being vulnerable and honest is a fear that I think almost everyone can relate to. I just hate the fact that I’m afraid to share some thoughts in fear of being felt sorry for. I don’t want anyone to feel sad or sorry for me. And if you feel that way, it will only make me feel worse. Like point proven. At the end of the day, only I know I can help myself.

I often feel such a mixture of emotions that can’t be controlled. It confuses me half the time and my brain hurts. One day I’m on top of the world and happy. The next I feel so low, I can’t find motivation to do anything. I’m literally debilitated and can’t get myself to get up out of bed or put some food in my stomach. I know it’s all in my head, but my head can be the death of me..

It’s crazy to know and understand how “blessed” you are and to know how many people love you and still feel so low about yourself. Maybe it’s not about how many people love you or who loves you, but what really matters is how much you love yourself. Some days, I’m so loving towards myself and proud of how far I’ve come. Other days, I absolutely loathe myself and can’t get myself to “move on” the way “normal” people do.

The layers I have go far beyond the “positive” image you may have captivated from the outside. I’ve tried to show a lot of “positivity” because I’ve come from such a dark place. In fact, a lot of those “dark” feelings arise time and time again and sometimes it’s hard to re-gain control.

Being an empath doesn’t always help either because I can get so emotionally invested in my surroundings and people I care about that I forget to take care of myself. It pains me to see others hurt and yet, I’m hurting deep down, but I put others first. They always say, put yourself first, but it’s a lot harder to do. Sure, I try to stay active and try to be health conscious, but what about my mental health? What have I been doing to make sure that’s healthy?

Well, I’ve been reading a lot of self-help books and it always gives me great perspective. I pray to God daily. I turn to close friends and family when I need to vent. How much is anything I do actually effective?

The layers go even deeper and the only reason why I am alive is because I’m not strong enough to take my own life. And this goes even deeper because I love those around me so much that I can’t bare to imagine their pain if I do anything to myself. Rewind to the above paragraph stating, that I tend to put others before me. But sometimes I’m beyond myself. I just want to get out of my own head and realize that it’s not as serious as I’m making it.

Sure, I have a lot “going” for me, but who’s even the judge of that? What good are the physical things, the visual things – if the inside is broken?

What is the cause? What is the cause of my anxiety and depression?

What do I fear? What am I afraid of?

I was asked these things and I can’t even exactly answer. Maybe it’s the fear of not meeting expectations. The expectations are from whom? None other than myself? Why do I place these expectations on myself? I’m SO caught up in my head that I place false expectations. But that’s a lie! I’m expected to excel in my life. I’m expected to show up in my professional life. I’m expected to work my butt off. I’m expected a lot of things, but yet what do I get out of it? Struggle. I’m not living my life to its full potential because I’m held back by trying to survive by societal’s expectations.

I’m not entirely happy. And I’ve never been one to try and “fake the funk.”

The layers peel and peel, but when is enough? When do I get to free myself? When do I get to just do what I want? Am I enough? What is love? What is love when you feel alone in such a busy world?

I don’t think I’ve ever written something so deep for the public to read.

My brain hurts and I’m not asking for help. I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m seeking answers that only I can find within myself. I fear of being judged, but what do your judgments of me matter when I’m no longer alive?

Fear doesn’t hold me back anymore because I’m able to share these thoughts with you.

I hope that whatever it is you are going through that you’re able to persevere and gain the strength that maybe I’m unable to find for myself right now.

My brain hurts and I don’t want help. In fact, I’d like to be left alone.

Who Am I?

I’m not really sure where I’m going to go with what I write today, but I just have such a strong urge to write. I feel so close yet so far. I’ve been so far deep in my thoughts today that I kind of just don’t even know.

I started thinking about who am I? What perfectly describes who I am? Is it the color of my skin, the origin of my ethnicity, the color of my hair and eyes? Am I characterized by the things I do? The choices I make? The energy I put out?

As my mind started wondering and wondering and wondering, I also felt such a strong emotional connection with myself. It’s kind of like I’m telling myself that none of these things actually matter in a sense that all of those things make only the physical details of who I am. What if who we are goes far deeper than that? Like everything in THIS physical life doesn’t even matter?

I remember when my Dad passed away and we had to clean out his items and stuff where he lived – it felt really surreal.

All these objects we put so much emphasis and meaning to – only to leave behind once we pass away.

Death catches up to people at the most unexpected ways and it’s painful to go through. It’s just reality.

Our short time spent on Earth is often taken for granted.

Stay positive.

I love you all.

Cheers,

Hazzle Joy

Win a FREE Personalized Caddy Towel & Get 40% Off Club Glove Products

Hi Everyone!

I’m pretty sure every blog post entry starts with, “I’m WAY overdue.” But, here I am! Alive and well! If you follow me on all of my other social media networks, you know that I’ve been trying to stay extremely busy. One of the biggest news I’d love to share with you is my new j-o-b as Public Relations and Marketing Coordinator at West Coast Trends, Inc., the Makers of Club Glove and Scheyden Eyewear.

I’m excited to share with you the awesome TRS Ballistic luggage and the giveaway contest we’re currently doing. Firstly, watch the video below which pretty much proves why our luggage can change the way you travel forever!

A little bit about Club Glove:

Club Glove’s patented Train Reaction System, commonly known as TRS, is most popular for its ability to connect and self-balance multiple pieces of luggage; making movement and maneuverability a breeze. The new adjustable straps make any rolling piece of Club Glove luggage entirely customizable to the user; adapting to the size of the user’s luggage, as well as the user’s carrying height.

The TRS Ballistic Luxury luggage line quickly gained the loyalty of many pro athletes including players from the PGA, MLB, and NFL whom rely on Club Glove’s products to travel with peace of mind. Designed for the affluent globetrotter, Club Glove created an aesthetically pleasing style of premium luggage that also provides functionality and durability. The average consumer can now travel like the pros!

The American made luggage is handcrafted using military grade Ballistic Cordura fabric known to enhance tear, abrasion, and puncture resistance. It bodes ensured maximum durability and promises a long-lasting performance. The premium TRS Ballistic line is offered in a 3-piece rolling set which includes the Carry-On, Check-In, and Check-In XL, but may also be purchased separately. Learn more at www.ClubGlove.com

The Giveaway Contest

Rules and How to Enter:

To Enter you must Follow all steps 1-3 (counts as 1 entry):

1.) View our entire 60 sec vid on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8sXPDK31NQ)
2.) Repost this image on your IG AND tag us @clubglove
3.) Follow us on IG

For extra entries (1 additional entry each):

4.) Tag 2 friends you’d love to travel the world with in the comments under the IG post
5.) LIKE our FB Pg @ClubGloveUSA
6.) Share this video on your FB page (tag us)
7.) Follow us on Twitter @clubgloveusa
8.) Tweet our video and tag us

Winner receives:

1.) Personalized Caddy Towel
2.) 40% Off Promo Code valid for any purchase on our Club Glove and TRS Ballistic Websites

*1 Winner will be chosen
*Contest ends Sun., 2/26
*Your social media account(s) must be public to be entered into the contest so that we can *verify the rules have been followed
*U.S. residents only

GOOD LUCK!!

I’ll definitely be back soon with more updates on what’s going on in my life. (; Thanks for sticking around!!!!

With Love,
Hazzle Joy

Recollection of Vibrations

It’s been such a journey trying to figure out this whole adult thing. I realized you shouldn’t put a time limit on learning about yourself. You never really stop learning and loving yourself. There are certain things that we all do that keeps us sane in a world full of chaos. We’re like machines or zombies just going through the motions. Some people find their escape to be at the bars or clubs every week and others may find full satisfaction working out. Whatever that passion is, lies a vibration from earth expressed in our natural behavior that we should be living and doing what ultimately makes us happy. I find peace in a couple things and it takes me some DEEP ROOTED emotion to finally get it written out.

Writing has and always will be my biggest form of vulnerability. Far too many times I set the highest expectations for myself and constantly battle my mind from what I THINK society should accept me as versus not giving a flying F*&^ about what society thinks. Writing for me has always been one of my favorite escapes alongside beating myself to death at the gym. Either way, I have to start living and being what my intuition tells me to do. Distraction is the easiest way to stray away from your goals. Ironically, as overwhelmed as I can cause myself to get, I find peace in working towards my goals. I find peace in knowing that I’m working hard towards something so unordinary, something that fights the odds. I feel borderline insane because of some of the decisions I choose to make, however, a drive just pulls me and No is not an answer I’m willing to take. I wish to continue to accomplish things that I never knew possible. My route is a lot different and I need to stop comparing my life to what is displayed on social media. It’s so easy to lose yourself in a society so transparent especially when I was probably one of the last generations to KNOW what it felt like WITHOUT social media.

My Love and Passion drive me. Keeps me sane. It’s when you want it so bad, you’re patient enough to wait and work hard at until you obtain it. Everyday I’ve been experiencing many spiritual moments and I take them all as signs and messages from God. My WANT to be successful with my dreams and goals is far less than the feeling of NEEDING to achieve it all. It’s an inexplainable magnetic feeling that makes you not want to change its course. I want to be better, be happier, be stronger, be kinder, be gentler, be balanced, be helpful, and continue to serve the greater purpose. A purpose bigger than I can ever imagine it to be.

Stay blessed my friends. Count each one. Be grateful, embrace the highs and lows in life- and I promise you, your world will change.

Xo

Time Tables of Success

Don’t compare your time table of success to another person’s time table of success….When you really just stop doing that, that’s the moment shit starts working out for you.

-Letty B (Letty Set Go–Sneak Preview)

I replayed this line over and over. It was no accident that I just happened to listen to Letty’s new podcast (formerly known as ‘Rikki Martinez’). I had the privilege of interviewing her with Lindz on The Layover Show on Traklife Radio for a special edition of Female Takeover. I was always a big fan and having met her in person and seeing how down to earth she is, I couldn’t help but be even more inspired.

I know I’ve been a little MIA in some certain aspects of my life, but deep down I’m trying to figure things out. My pace feels a little bit scattered or slow, but I think I’m just at that age where I NEED to find myself now and find the peace I long for. For as long as I can remember I’ve always felt the need to excel at everything I do and just do the best and be the best I can be at all times. As anyone can imagine that mentality and lifestyle can drive you to the brinks of insanity and even depression. We set standards so high for ourselves that it makes it difficult to just sit down and appreciate all the blessings you already have in front of you. I used to imagine and give myself a timeline for all the things I want to accomplish by a certain time or at a certain age, but it’s completely UNREALISTIC. I see that now because I see the bigger picture. It’s easy to feel low and be your own biggest critic, but if you’re able to stop and really think about what’s truly important, all the petty shit won’t even matter anymore.

I feel vibes and energy so hard that my heart hurts physically sometimes. When I get overwhelmed with any type of emotion it’s easy for me to express it and it’s almost like I have to express it without holding back. It can be a gift and a curse. So it may seem like I take these random breaks from being social or certain things, but really, how can I be me to my fullest potential if I’m not even sure what my fullest potential is yet? I need to be happy just being happy and I feel like everything will follow through after that.

I dream dreams bigger than the world itself, but yet I don’t quite understand what exactly I want to accomplish. I find the most joy in connecting with people and vocalizing my thoughts, opinions, and feelings. It’s weird because even if I try to stop wrting or tryyyy to stop being a creative person I have this itch to get back into it and once I get back I’m reminded of why it makes me so happy to do it.

I’ve never wanted to be someone I’m not. I want to make the best out of my own situation and strive to continue to accomplish the unthinkable and impossible. There are many stories and many journeys, but my own is the one I need to concentrate on. And that’s what I hate about social media. It’s easy to compare yourself to others, but that’s why Letty’s quote struck a chord so loud to me because it’s true what she says. If we stop comparing our time table of success to another’s person’s time table of success that’s when shit starts working out for us. My route may be a little longer, a little different, a little unorthodox, but hey! It’s still my story and that’s something no one can ever take away from me.

Like any other person, I have doubts. I have fears. I question whether or not what I want to do with my life is truly what I want to do. I question if what I’m doing is worth it or if I’m wasting my time trying. That’s the other thing no one can ever take away from me – at least I know I died trying. I don’t have to grow old telling myself and my future kids and grandkids, “I wonder what it’d be like if I actually did try to chase my dreams.” At this rate, I can proudly look back and say that I did try and I had the time of my life.

When you know that you got it you don’t mind proving yourself for it because you know you got it.

-Letty B (Letty Set Go–Sneak Preview)

The tears started pouring out when Letty said this. She talks about working hard and continuing to do what you do and not doubt yourself. I’ve been feeling like this lately….like why am I working so hard for and not seeing myself yet reap the rewards? I realize that my rewards will take much longer than I anticipate. I need to just do what I need to do and trust my process.

I can’t yet help the world, if I cannot yet help myself. In order for me to give the best me to the world, I need to be 200% happy with me wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Once I have accepted myself to that point, I know that the force will be unstoppable..

Thank you Letty B and everyone who has inspired me along the way. Too many to list, but you will be greatly acknowledged when that day comes and I am where I am meant to be.

Listen to Letty’s Podcast here:

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So Fast, So Slow

It’s been a while since I wrote and it’s killing me because my mind is jumbled. When I am so scatter brained, the only way I can calm my state of mind is when I’m writing. That’s for the mental game, and of course I’ll hit u the gym to keep my sanity.

I’ve been living day to day feeling much more intuitive with my surroundings, myself, and the essence of life. Sometimes, I feel like time moves SOOOOOO fast, yet SOOOOOOO slow. It’s all a matter of perspective for sure. When you count the hours, days, weeks, months, years – yeah of course it dates it. When you just live in the literal moment of time, I feel like that is when you truly understand the great meaning of life.

Your heart never really heals after losing your Dad, but the heart does have the strength to grow to live life in love and beyond. At least, that’s how I’ve been feeling. I think about my Dad everyday and I always want to continue to make him proud.

There are so many things people may take for granted, like the silence you find comfort in when you’re sitting next to your best friend not saying a word to each other or all the mornings you have to wake up for work super early.

I try my best to not let the little things get to me because I know how bad things can go for me when somethings goes wrong. But that’s just it! Everything is all perspective and as I get older I am truly learning to accept myself honestly and wholeheartedly. Oh and by the way, I cut my hair. (;

Toodles,

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Rest In Paradise Dad

December 17th was the day my life changed forever. My dad passed away and I cannot say that I don’t feel a tremendous amount of pain. It has now officially been 2 weeks since and I only feel a certain amount of ease because my dad has been honored beautifully and properly buried. I haven’t written in a long time and I feel that it’s always been the best way for me to express my feelings. There’s no amount of words that can change the way I feel, but at the same time there’re a gazillion words that can bring me some comfort.

1 of 9 prayer days. [Photo by Andrew Cordero]

1 of 9 prayer days. [Photo by: Andrew Cordero]

This Christmas was the most difficult holiday because my dad was not with us. I woke up in the worst mood and I HAVE NEVER woken up in a bad mood on Christmas Day, ever. And if you know me, I tend to treat “everyday like Christmas” – generally speaking. Basically, I tend to be or try to be a really positive person. One of the worst habits I have is keeping things inside. I can seem really put together on the outside, but deep down I’m torn apart. Balance has always been a struggle and the answer came to me while being with family and friends.

Photo by Andrew Cordero

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Although, we understand that the circle of life consists of being born and death, once death stares at you in the face it shocks you numb. I’ve learned that my dad’s death strengthened my relationship with everyone I know, whether it be friends and family, or even acquaintances. I cherish everyone I know that much more. My dad’s death changed me and I cannot stress how all the petty things no long matter. We love you dad and we’ll miss you.

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

 

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Photo by: Andrew Cordero

Tomorrow is the first day of 2015 and the strength, wisdom, and faith I gained has increased tenfold. I thank everyone for being there for me through the most difficult of times and even through the most joyous occasions. Cheers to the future!

Photo by: Karen Capalaran

Photo by: Karen Capalaran

Recess

Wow, has it really been that long since I’ve written anything in here? First time posting in a while and the word press set up looks different. Anyways… I thought I might take a second to reflect on what’s happened, what’s happening, and what I hope to happen.

Photo taken by Bella Graham. Edited by me.

Photo taken by Bella Graham. Edited by me.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the superficial things in society. We often spend loads of time analyzing other people’s lives through the eyes of social media. Sometimes I get so caught up in it that I start to envy others. When those crazy thoughts seep into my mind, that’s when I give myself a reality check and remind myself that I am blessed with what I already have.

Have you ever taken a second to close your eyes and sit in silence? Have you ever turned your phone off for one entire day? If you have attempted to turn your phone off, I’m almost certain you’ve experienced a tad bit of anxiety. You might feel the same way when your phone dies midday. If you don’t feel any anxiety being away from your phone, bravo! You have mastered the art of not being attached to it. But, on the other hand, many of us struggle with separating real life in real time and the “life” Online.

It amazes how some people allow social media to ruin their relationships with one another. And it greatly saddens me actually. Although, I too, at one point have made the mistake of “venting” a subliminal message. I learned that is completely unnecessary to do. What has the world come to though? I feel like everything has dumbed down so much. I obviously cannot come up with any explanation for that.

So I sit here, in silence reflecting upon my own life. I think about where I am now, compared to where I was an hour ago, yesterday, last week, last month, last year, 5 years ago, and so on. Earlier today I was reminded of how it felt when I was in elementary school in the middle of the day, just soaking up the sun. I was taking my dogs for a nice walk with JP and I just felt at peace with not having to worry about anything for just that second. We all have something we turn to when we want to “get away.” You might enjoy a novel, a movie, working out at the gym, partying, or simply just meditating. Whatever it is, it’s that moment of “peace” we crave and create. The only problem is, sometimes we don’t know how to handle the “reality” once we come back from it. Or maybe we just continue day to day living our lives just to make ends meet.

That’s probably the shittiest feeling to feel everyday. Routine. Having a routine you hate and a cycle you despise can ruin you. It can drag you deep into a hole. I’m not even quite sure where I’m going with this, but I absolutely love, but hate routine. I love all the good parts about it, like working out and eating healthy. I guess I hate some of it because I love change, adventure, and I tend to get bored easily.

So, I continue to sit in silence right now and I zone into my weird, but articulate thoughts. I’ll ramble on about life, feelings, and emotions. You might not care, you might be deeply intrigued. Either way, once again, it’s been long overdue for me to write something. I tend to do so when I’m inspired.

Being an adult is not easy, but hell, I don’t even know one person who told me it was. As I was taking that walk earlier this morning, I said that the day reminded me of recess in elementary school.

I miss being a kid. You don’t have to worry about anything except playing,

I said. Who said that we don’t have to feel like a kid as we age? Obviously, we have adult responsibilities and that “innocence” of being a kid is tarnished. I just think we’re all capable of maintaining the free spirited attitude of a kid as we age and that’s to live up to your hobbies, dreams, and basically anything that makes you happy (whatever it may be). We get so caught up in the material things and superficial things that I think we become monsters, just always wanting more. I teach myself daily just to be thankful for what I already have.

The type of mentality I’ve developed over the years might be too hard to grasp. Some may not understand why or how I am able to maintain such a “positive attitude.” Trust me when I say, it’s an everyday battle. I definitely have my bad days and I still make common mistakes. I love that I am given the chance to make something different of myself after the fact. I love that I have the ability to train my attitude and thoughts in the most endearing honest, and positive way.

I’m still learning to be more confident in myself completely and effortlessly. Sometimes, I sink back into the introvert part of myself and buckle into my security zone. I never wanted to come off as cocky or non-humble. There’s a fine line between confidence and narcissism. I think I do owe it to myself to step it up a notch and own up by being truly comfortable with myself [to myself and others].

I’m still sitting in silence, which is weird for me because I listen to music ALL the time. Probably since I have been, I’ve been wanting a break from it. I love getting lost in my thoughts and jotting it all down. It’s therapeutic for sure. Ultimately, I’ve learned to continue to channel my positivity to create the world I want to live in. It’s not an easy task, but I aim to conquer the most difficult mountains ahead of me. We can do this together if you allow it to.

Prayers, love, and peace-

Hazzle Joy

Photo by: Karen Capalaren

Photo by: Karen Capalaren

How Much Do You Believe In Yourself?

The only main intention I have is to be able to be me in my most honest state. Love it or hate it, I’ll live with it. Far too many times I often felt criticized in such a judgmental society. Those feelings can stem from strangers, but also friends and family. Sometimes, the judging is so blunt that it’s more difficult to ignore.

When have you ever taken a moment to do things for yourself? When have you sat yourself down and questioned all those feelings and concerns about what others thought about you? If you know that deep down you want to be the best version of yourself, why hesitate?

The criticism that we receive might originate from feelings of insecurities, unhappiness, stress, assumptions, and misunderstandings. I express in almost every post that I wish the world can experience what I experience through my perspective. That reality shattered when I was told, “Nobody is going to pay attention to you. Nobody is thinking about you” [in reference to how I wish I can be of an example]. It’s true.

I can write a million essays. I can make a million speeches, but at the end of the day, no one will change. What I share are my personal experiences, in which I feel accountable for sharing. I want to return the positive vibrations that were given to me. It feels amazing and I know everybody deserves to feel that way.

If we focus more on the good in others and less on the “bad” we can all start creating the peaceful world we wish to live in. Now, we all know world peace is obviously shit out of luck (excuse the pessimism, but I think that’s being a realist?). People have egos and are selfish and greedy. It’s pretty obvious. How can you be a good person in a world full of bad? I asked myself that and the answer is pretty clear.

Focus on yourself. When you cancel out all the things that weigh you down, you feel more free. As you concentrate on being a better you, everything around you naturally changes to follow suit. Now, this can be in a positive way or a negative way, it’s really your choice on how you want to feel for the rest of your life. You can sit there and cry about your complains, bash others, gossip, or drag others down with your misery or you can choose to do the opposite and lift others up. Spread Love and the Good Word. At the end of the day, no matter how many times you’ve heard it, “Mind over matter.” Those three little words can be overlooked, but in reality, your reality is what you make of it. If my life can’t be a living example then try it and prove me wrong. And then I’ll say at least we have perspective.

Do Good. Receive good.
Do Bad. Receive bad.

Believe and don’t doubt it once because the moment your fear peaks, everything you want can no longer be obtained. Every thought becomes action.

Peace and blessings.
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