I strayed away from writing. I say it in almost every post that for some reason I find myself moving farther and farther away from writing. And I can’t pinpoint that reason being besides losing track of my priorities.
Your death last October 2011 has significantly changed my life. Whenever I feel down, sad, frustrated, or stressed, I’ve learned to just give all my worries to God. I pray often. I seek guidance for the positivity that I know lives within my mind, body, and soul.
When overwhelmed with emotion, I get distracted with what doesn’t matter in this superficial life. But after all that is said and done, I remember to thank God for all my blessings. When overwhelmed with my emotions, I allow negativity to seep through my thoughts, this happens unknowingly, yet consciously.
The thing is, I’ve become so immersed in my work and my obsession for progressing in my career that it has misconstrued other important aspects of my life, such as maintaining my health. Balancing everything with such a hectic schedule has become the challenge of a life time, but yet I couldn’t be any happier with where I’m at in my life. I am disappointed in myself. I disappoint myself because I lost track of balancing my health (lack in exercise) and lacking in writing.
Writing is my passion. As I always say, I write when I am undergoing my deepest emotions. These past 2 days have been almost torture for me, as I have been experiencing some extreme heartfelt emotions in which I cannot even describe exactly what they entail.
Some thoughts of a rough past surfaced and the negativity of the past experience brought back some hurtful, angry, and misguided emotions. Although, some of the the emotions transferred within a different feeling for a different person, I failed to realize that I am a NEW person now. I am a new a person now, realizing that what I USED to stress about should NO longer affect me negatively in my present. I AM better than that. I AM a better person and I’m continuing to become the best person I can be. Without my personal Angel at my side, JP, I wouldn’t know how to go about these roller coaster feelings that I am constantly at battle with. He puts many things into perspective (whether or not I like what they are, I am open to hearing it all) and without his honest and true words, I would continue down a shaky and rough path alone. JP reminded me to take breaks often and not to forget to give myself time. Writing, reading, and exercising is what I consider “me time” and by becoming a workaholic monster, I’ve left my path in pursuing other goals like maintaining my health and balancing my life.
The depth of my writing has tremendously evolved into more than just words. To me, tears roll down my cheek expressing that this is no longer just a computer screen I’m staring at or keyboard I’m punching away at. To write is my release and to write is my way of confirming my personal transformation into a much more positive human being.
A couple months ago, I got a tattoo, in which I’ve thought long and hard about before getting, “Trust Your Struggle.” It’s a constant reminder to myself that no matter what I go through, there’s a reason behind it. I cry to myself when no one is looking. I hide my weakness to those around me because to show that aspect of me is to feel like I’ve failed myself. I cry as I write these things because it runs straight through my fingertips from my heart. I cry to myself because I’m still trying to learn and understand this “struggle.” Yeah, I’m not homeless, starving, with no shoes, living in a 3rd world country, but I do have a “struggle” of my own. I understand that everyone has a story. This is mine.
I eat my own words because I’m still learning the concept of, “Practice what you preach.” These past couple of days, I lost sight of what truly matters. Due to a stressful memory of some things that occurred in the past, it blinded me for a second, and brought a glimpse back into my old ways; my old thoughts; my OLD life.
I am no longer that person. I feel like some people forgot about you, Maliah. It saddens me that they have. I think about you all the time, regardless if your picture hangs in my office wall or not, I will always remember what you taught me. These superficial things in life don’t matter. It saddens me that some people still don’t understand what I’ve learned to understand. I have faith to believe that one day others’ eyes will open up the way mine have.
Some days ago, a friend passed away. You’ve probably already met him in heaven. Today, I went to his viewing, it broke my heart to see another person go in my life. It saddens me that we never followed through to hang out the way we kept promising each other we would. It saddens me that I never got to get too close to him. To see the amount of respect and love that goes out to him from his family and friends is a message within itself. Not only did you, Maliah, teach me something, but I’ve learned a lot from Matt as well.
From the first day that I met him at Do Over in LA last Summer in 2011, to the handful amount of times we spent sharing some laughs, I know he made a significant impression on me and in my life. Although, we weren’t close as I wished we were, he taught me so much. Every life he briefly touched, they each knew that he had a genuine soul and witty personality. He made everyone feel welcome and made everyone feel like they’ve been friends with him forever. It was no surprise that he has friends from all over. I am sad, but glad that I was able to meet such a vibrant young man. My heart and prayers go out to all of his friends and family.
And to add, Maliah, your mom and dad is expecting your baby sister soon. I know you know that, but we’re all pretty excited to meet her. I can’t wait!
People often say, “Life is too short,” but I don’t think they really understand what that means until someone leaves this earth. Also, time and time again, people take each other for granted. There are still many people that I genuinely miss and wish to reach out to, so I too am guilty for not “following through” to reconnect with old friends. What is everybody waiting for? I don’t understand and I’m still learning myself.
I wish to impact the lives of people around me and hopefully through my writing, someone reaches out to me expressing that they no longer want to let “life pass us by” without reuniting in person or extending a brief text or message saying, “I miss you, how are you?” It is a two way streak, so forgive me, as I will gather the guts and strength to reach out to my old friends too.
Who is Maliah? Click here to read Maliah’s first letter.