Dry tears

I’m in dire need of a vent session. After all, my best writing comes out when I’m full of every kind of emotion.

As positive as I try to be, it’s difficult to hide and push away the difficulties, trials, and tribulations that I go through on a daily basis. Yeah, I can’t take on life based on everything that I take on as an individual because there are far greater things to worry about. But as selfish as it is, I have to take care of myself because it’s the life that I’m living.

I learned that in the end no one can really help you, but yourself. Yes, although, this is true, I find that it always hits me like it’s a brand new concept. I’m pushing and pushing and pushing. But for what? I’m looking out for myself because no one else can live my life. I need to get where I need to be and no one is in charge of that path, but me. I’m scared. I’m scared of failing. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I pray and pray and pray everyday that things turn up. I stay thankful of all the things given to me. These hardships will overcome and obviously, it’ll make me stronger.

Time and time again, I try to push those feelings away, but who am I fooling? I’m jobless, carless, and now phoneless. The only thing I’m striving for is earning my bachelors degree by the end of this year, so that I can finally obtain the career of my dreams and make a damn good living off it. What is the career of my dreams? I’m scared because I don’t know where the road is taking me. Honestly, I’m taking everything day by day. I feel like there’s no other way to do it.

I admit, I’m a hardheaded son of a bitch. When I don’t get my way, I bitch and complain. But know that the attitude’s never intentional, nor am I ever trying to hurt anyone, but I know that I subconsciously do. And that is why I feel the necessity to blot my overactive emotions on this wordpress, so that those who care are able to understand the way that I am. Sure, it’s a bit TMI sometimes, more or less. My intentions are to never hurt anyone though. Who knows, maybe some of you can relate?

It’s like tears are choking back. Numb. These problems are extremely minuscule on a global scale. Why am I bitching? I really don’t know. But as a human being, I am entitled to these emotions. I am entitled to being able to vent, if not, my thoughts would eat me alive. I keep trying to cheer myself up, reminding myself that I am alive, healthy, young, strong-willed, with a great support system- so snap out of it. I just really can’t help at the end of the day, those stresses take over and nothing hurts more than the thoughts conjuring up inside. Nothing hurts more than being a disappointment to myself. Those who don’t have to worry about these kinds of struggles, I hope that you don’t take it for granted.

I have been jobless for almost a year now (the longest I’ve been unemployed) and I refuse to take up another dead-end bullshit job. I promise you, me being unhappy is not even worth making minimum wage. No matter how desperate I am. I’m just trying to finish this last semester strong, however, “strong” is no longer my goal. I’m just trying to pass so that I can get out of this and finally earn big bucks. This lifestyle is getting more and more complicated and I need to make myself financially stable. I want to be able to give, but I need to take care of what I need to first. I want to be able to help my family, etc. I just wish it were that easy.

One of my biggest pet peeves are people telling me how broke they are and how they don’t have money. Trust me, I GET IT. I’m one of the last people you should be saying that too because I’m literally going through it. I understand that every college student is “broke.” I GET IT, I am a college student.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life…. sometimes, I just don’t even know. 

If only it got easier instead of harder. When I was a kid, no one ever told me being an adult would suck.

At the end of the day, I stay thankful. I stay appreciative. I just want to be able to take certain moments and feel really emo about because I do.

If you ask me what’s wrong? Well, I’m lying if I say nothing is. Because everything is wrong right now. I’ve been in a bad mood for the past couple weeks.

Truth hurts.

I actually want to be left alone.

How ironic, this song was playing on Pandora as I was finishing up this post.

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