HazzleJoy

As I close down my mind and imagine the world. I see a whole lot of nothing but pain and love in the air. Again, I’m in front of my textbook and I feel its glossy pages glare. I wonder how I’m going to get through a difficult study session. But I can’t help, but feel blessed and live this life I live in.

Although, I feel blessed and content with my personal life, when I’m alone I can’t help but feel my world crumble at the same time. Truly it is hypocritical to tell the words of positivity, but break down when it comes to myself. I find it difficult to hold everything in and pretend like I’m fine and dandy, when there’s so much going on internally.

I can’t help that I’m ultimately a little stressed physically and emotionally. How do I get through this last semester of college when all these things called Life is happening? Here I am worrying about what is to come after I finish in December, having a job, holding it down for me, my family, my boyfriend, and friends. How do I balance everything when I feel like I can’t hold this load much longer?

As I type this, the tears rolling down my face represent the emotional distress that has taken over my mind, body, and soul. How could I be so selfish to worry about the little things, when there are far more greater things to worry about? If my life were to end tomorrow, I want to make sure my life made an impact on others, most importantly, my words. To set my soul free and finally accept the flow of this thing we call Life, is one of the greatest accomplishments yet.

I’m 23-years-old and I am finally feeling the wrath of triumphs and difficulties of life. I feel so blessed to be able to go through this transition, while my 2-year-old niece, Maliah, will never get to. 😦 How do you become an adult? This transition is by far the most challenging in my life. Am I scared? Absolutely, I’m freaking out. But the main thing to remember is to take it all in day by day. As I was watching Tia and Tamara’s reality show (the only reality show WORTH watching because it has substance, is about life, and is a quality reality show), it made me think about the cycle of life, where my life will go, what it’s like in the present, and what it means to be family.

On Sunday, October 9, 2011, our family lost a 2-year-old, Maliah Franchesca Andrada. I wondered for a while, why her? Why did she have to be taken away from us? Why couldn’t it have been me, so she could live her life and continue to grow beautifully? Questions began to circulate, is there a reason for God regaining his Angel so soon? Is there a reason for him choosing her to represent the pain of life and death that we go through? This is where I begin to realize that Maliah represents a lot of things to me. She represents the innocence, purity, joy, happiness, love, and life. But in honor of her and other fallen angels, we must remember, let’s celebrate her life. Let’s celebrate life. Let’s encourage others to live through her joy. She’s happy in heaven now, no longer suffering. At least, she’ll never have to go through the pain and hardships we go through on a daily basis, always trying to make sense of our lives and our surroundings.

But let me ask you, what exactly does family mean to you?

Time and time again, we preach about how precious our family is to us. But how do you show it? For sure I’m not the only one who doesn’t live up to words of positivity all the time, but as I grow older and mature it all becomes much more and more clear to me. I understand that actions are stronger than words. We can only say “I love you” so much, but how much more meaningful is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, words of encouragement, and other small gestures? The affection we give to one another is just as important as the words we say.

As human beings, we continue to try and make sense of Life, put explanations on every single thing that we encounter. But what’s more important than figuring out Life is actually living through it. One of the best advice my boyfriend ever told me was to, “Go with the flow.” Going with the flow makes it easier to handle life’s situations day by day. I feel so blessed and I feel like it’s so amazing to watch my little nieces and nephews grow, unfortunately Maliah will never get to grow with her cousins. When I’m with my family, when we’re all together, reminiscing on everything that has happened in the past, I can’t help but feel a certain joy and happiness. Unfortunately, these past couple of years has been different and everyone became selfish (including myself) and discontinued family parties for their own selfishness. Drama this, drama that, awkward this, awkward that- broken. Broken is what I call it. Why wait until something bad or sad happens to reunite and apologize and move on? I wish everyone would see it from my point of view, but as we all know it’s always easier said than done. I hope that in Maliah’s name, we all take this opportunity to put the past in the past and hug it out. As family, we’re blood. We’re entitled to bicker, fight, and let’s not forget, make up and forgive. After all, isn’t that part of being a good Christian? Forgiveness is key and to hold on to unnecessary grudges, is only hurting yourself and those who love you. Don’t let the last thing someone or you remember the anger that we held, instead make the best of what you have today, right now, in this very moment of our lives. Regardless of the negative dramas, I am still proud to be a part of this family and love everyone very much, regardless of how close to everyone I am or not. No more blaming, no more pointing fingers, it is useless. Please embrace each other during this difficult time and celebrate Maliah’s beautiful life.

Maliah didn’t get to experience all of us together, happy like we used to be. Do you want to continue living the way that you are holding negatives in your heart? For her sake, we should hold hands and go through this together. Her death represents the love that we should be giving each other on a daily basis. So that when someone does pass, we can celebrate their life in laughter, joy, and reminisce of all the good times. Let us cry tears of joy, to know that they lived their life to their greatest potential with the most love anyone can endure.

That is what family means to me.

Pass on the good vibes and don’t forget what it means to be family. As our blood continues to grow and generations expand, let us teach the young ones what it means to be family and how to love each other regardless of all the negatives. Arguing and drama is inevitable, but now is the time to right our wrongs and continue to grow in love.

Rest in paradise Maliah, we love you always and we will miss you greatly. See you on the other end.

My last message to you: Love is God. God is Family. God is strength. Family is strength. Love infinitely.

Infinite thanks to family and friends for endless kind words, prayers, and support. Our family greatly appreciates it.

Love Always&Forever,

Hazzle

This song was playing on my Pandora as I typed this. Love it.