To understand me is to accept me…

…but I don’t even understand myself most of the time, so to accept myself is a whole nother story.

I don’t even know what sun light looks like. My eyes burned when I slightly adjusted the blinds.

It’s embarrassing. I’ve been living a lie.

“You want to know why you have no friends? Because no one likes your personality. You’re fake. You don’t take shit from nobody. You won’t compromise. You’re selfish.”

These words ring over and over in my ear, clear as day…

What does it mean to me? It means that I don’t care to accept every single flaw and every single negative [thing] of some people, that I let it conflict with the relationships I have. In my head, there’s some type of conclusion jumped to and I don’t feel like I have to take anybody’s “shit.” I refuse to compromise because I thought I was looking out for myself. I thought that I was doing the right thing, but in the end I’m hurting myself by allowing myself to think such negative things. Also, hurting others by jumping to such conclusions. Hence, the positive person in me is just a front- making me be “fake” and “selfish.”

It takes a lot for a person to admit they’re fake. I don’t think I’m fake so much in a sense that I will intentionally hurt anyone. But when it comes to my feelings, I know that I can hide them and pretend I’m happy. It also takes a lot for a person to admit they’re selfish. Is it wrong to put my feelings in front of others? I always felt like I needed to cater to other people’s feelings. I always felt like I needed to please everyone else first. But in the end, I feel like I’m looking out for myself. I do feel easily rejected and I do feel like it’s me vs. the world. I can’t explain these things. It’s just the way it is. It occurs to me that I try so hard to be this “positive person,” only to find out that it’s a front. A persona to hide the insecurities, selfishness, pain, and confusion.

“You’re lost.”

I’m lost.

It’s true. When one things bursts my bubble, my whole world crumbles and crashes down in flames. It really hit me yesterday, how immature I’ve been handling and coping with my problems. I wish I could take back the way yesterday played out. But I know that it all happened for my own benefit. To realize that my actions are not only immature, but completely unnecessary. I don’t know how to handle, how to control my emotions and not let it get the best of me.

There’s only one person in the whole world who can tear it all down, and she does it well. I have no idea if it’s me at that “age” where I’m still trying to figure myself out or learn more about myself, but I know that this isn’t the way I should be handling things. I knew that today would be a better day in a way for me to realize that the way everything’s been dealt with in the way that it has, is wrong. Completely and utterly wrong. I tend to push people away. I tend to push those people who love me away. Why? I have no idea. I just know that it’s wrong. I’ve always been that way and I’ve seen how it’s affected those people around me. One day, no one will be standing next to me when I fall because everyone will be tired of helping me pick up the pieces. They’ll all be fed up and have moved on with their lives, while I’m still being a little girl about it. It’s time to grow up.

For those of you who barely know me, I know I sound like a crazy person. But life’s giving me a chance, so I doubt I’m as crazy as it seems.

Where do I draw the line? Where do I draw the line between allowing my real emotions to show and not letting it get the best of me? That’s a real question, a question I’d like an answer to. But for now, I know that I can only let life play itself out in the way that it always has.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I was truly happy. I was truly and deeply content. When one thing bugs, I tend to let it tear my whole life apart. I’m wrong and I’m not perfect. I don’t want to let this take control of my life. I’m not expecting people to disregard the things I’ve said or done because I know that every action has its consequence. I’ll accept those consequences and live with it. But now I know that I need to take this moment here on out and move on with it, I can’t dwell on it for so long.

I was debating whether or not to post this, exploiting my vulnerability. But I think I owe it to anyone who cares, an explanation of why I am exactly the way I am. It’ll definitely take more than one post to figure me out, but it’s a start. I’m a complicated person, but I’m not as scary as I’m making myself seem, or am I? All I know is that, I want to grow. Maybe others can come to terms with themselves and see that we’re all not alone in how we feel. Like I always say, I want to learn from my experiences and hopefully it has helped others in their own way too.