Sunshine and Disappointments

It’s kind of a trip because when me and JP are apart, we feel it in our hearts. What’s that saying? “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I believe it’s true, but too much of it doesn’t do us any good. At the same time space is needed to individually grow and we get to see where exactly we want to go in our lives.

Being away for some days has made me realize some things and has reassured some feelings.

Despite all the positivity I’ve accumulated mentally, I’m a little hurt, particularly because of our last conversation. At this point, I’m extremely disappointed. Things are good and things were good, but it’s such a disappointment that some of the things I said today were taken to offense. I apologize for saying things that may have caused you to become insensitive, but in the end, I never was trying to end the conversation in an argument. Nor was I ever trying to argue from the beginning. Being away from me and being apart shouldn’t be an excuse anymore to argue. I understand the frustration of being apart, but it’s just really ridiculous at this point. I admit that sometimes the things I say may come off as a little insensitive as well. I don’t mean for the things to come out the way they do. But in the end, you can ask yourself what triggers it? What is the cause for me to say the things I do? I know that it’s an issue that can be blamed both ways. I hope that I’m not the one to be fully at fault here. -__-

I feel like I can’t even express how I want to anymore because it will backlash at me. In the end, I don’t feel completely at fault and I don’t feel that I did anything wrong. Here I was being super lovey-dovy, putting my whole heart out there, and I don’t feel like I deserve for it to be stomped on and chewed out for being a “bitch.” It’s like I have so much to say, but at the same time I am refraining from saying the rest of the things I want to say. Call me a bitch all you want, I’m still going to call you out on your shit all the time. I’m like so numb to this bullshit you put me through. But I know that it’s not even that much of a big deal, yet somehow it is.

I don’t even really know how to go about these feelings anymore. I wish there was an easy way to put it, but I don’t even know. Should I just ignore it and move on? How will we learn? There has to be an end to the BS and progression and growth is imminent. Otherwise, being stuck in the same hole isn’t going to do us any good. Here I thought things were happily and successfully progressing. I have no idea what to say anymore… I’m almost at a loss for words.

I lost my appetite and I haven’t even eaten all day. I feel like I’m worth being treated better. Insensitivity is cruel and women are sensitive beings. Men have to understand that. If that’s hard to understand than I don’t know what make relationships work. I don’t know how to be successful. I’m not saying this is the end, but let’s be real with each other. If I’m so much of an annoyance why bother? =/

Originally, I wanted to point out that I won’t let this get to me and not ruin my day, but for some reason, saying this amount of stuff about the subject, pretty much contradicts that. But “Whatever.”

So be it.

Off to enjoy the serenity of the library and admire today’s beautiful sunshine weather.

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