Actually, I thought things would turn around today, but things really haven’t. I feel like once it sprinkles on you, the rain just keeps getting harder. “When it rains, it pours.” I know that somewhere down the line, things will look up. It’s just that I’m at that point in my life where things are going to be as rough as dinosaur skin. I need to suck it up and stop being so bitchy. But I just can’t help it.
You try walking around with sensitive breasts and have your uterus be punched and pinched with pain that just doesn’t go away. And let’s see how it feel when gushy and ooze just flood. Ok OK OK.. I probably got extremely graphic on you there, but I don’t apologize to the fellahs reading this because it’s called, LIFE. Get over it. Women go through it and there are far more greater things in life to be grossed out about. Like smelly feet or fungi infected feet. GROSS!
Anyways, you know what I absolutely hate? People telling me to “Calm down” or “Relax.” I don’t know if I mentioned it in my last post, but it’s like the worst thing you can tell a person. I feel like it’s an assumption that a person is upset or mad about something, but with me it isn’t exactly what you presume. The thing is with me, people misjudge my thorough explanations and extremely opinionated demeanor as a sign of defense. In reality, your perception of me is based on the assumptions you conjured up in your head. Now I get why sometimes people are “intimidated” by me. Not in a physical-I’m-threatening-kinda-way, but more like, bossy-type-don’t-mess-kinda-way. I mean, in the past, guys have admitted that I was quite intimidating, but when they got to know me they learned that I’ve very, very down to earth and friendly.
I’m the type of person to “know” who I am (or know how I want to represent myself) and know what I want. I’m the type of person who will tell you how it is, and tell you how I’m feeling whether you like it or not. But at times I can be a hypocrite because I’m guilty. I want to be surrounded by people exactly like that, but at the same time when I hear the truth from them, I somewhat shrug it off or get a little butt hurt. But NOT entirely. I’m always all ears and open to hearing things. Trust me, I hear all sides and perspectives of an issue. I’m that open to hearing about it before I make any personal opinions or “take sides.” Whatever the case may be, sometimes I feel like the people that “think” they know me, really don’t. I tend to take frustration out on those I love and sometimes its the most unnecessary, abusive thing I can do to anyone. I don’t hurt anybody physically, but when I’m down, sometimes I drag other too and I really don’t mean to. I know that it’s something I’m working on and it didn’t exactly occur to me that I do this until now. I just feel like so over-the-top with everything and feel like every little thing just irks me. Like EVERY LITTLE THING. I can’t help it. I hate that people associate me with being “too sensitive” or “over-dramatic.” Oh, “here’s that Gemini girl, you never know what mood she is in,” seriously, get OUT OF HERE WITH THAT bull. Like just because I explain things and like to make my points, does NOT mean I’m “trippin.” Understand the point and move on.
Those who stick by me and accept me unconditionally, I applaud you. Because if I were anybody but myself, I don’t know how I’d tolerate it. I’d probably peace out in a second! But that’s just me making a negative opinion about myself. (Negativity at its worst, probably influenced as a young child. Excuse the notion.)
In the end, I’m always at battle with myself because I know that I’m always growing, learning, and accepting the way I am completely and fully. I know that there are many things I’m still learning and it’s part of moving from that “teen” to “adult.” And I guess being under 25, is still considered being a “young adult.”
All I know is, my financial troubles will not hold me down from doing what I want to do. My focus has been school and trying to find myself. If I don’t brush off this trouble now, then I will NOT survive in the “real world.” I mean, I’ve gone this far, why give up now, right?
Note to self: Get it together, Hazzle. Get it together.