Finding the strength I never thought I had

Want to know what’s really going on? Your shit don’t phase me anymore! I’m tired of feeling brought down and what not, I’m just gonna keep my head up high and keep on smiling. If anything, happiness is the greatest combat method. I have you to thank for being this strong. And that should scare you. Time and time again, I ask myself, “What’s happening to us?” I don’t even know if that ever crosses your mind; ever. But come on! Let’s be real. Let’s please be honest to yourself and us. We are far from perfect, and everyone has this image of us that they’d “never see the day.” Yeah, like I said the “honeymoon” stage is way over with and it’s at this point in our relationship where we are trying to overcome some of our hardest communication obstacles. I used to be so afraid of losing you, but now I feel like you’re giving me a reason not to be scared anymore. You’re giving me the strength to not rely and feel so dependent on you. It’s saddening and heart breaking that it has become this way. You ask me all the time, “What do you want me to do? What do I need to do to make you happy?” Now, if you asked yourself that in the very beginning of our relationship, did you know the answer then? What’s the difference between now and then? Why is it 2-years and some weeks later you are questioning all that? If you can’t simply answer those questions, then I really don’t know what we’re doing in this relationship. Yes, can’t deny the love, bond, friendship, and everything that has blossomed, but I can see that our relationship is still so naive, young, and immature. I’m trying 100% my best to make things work and I know I’m not giving up. I don’t have the heart in me to give up. I just want to see the same effort.

Don’t get me wrong, the Good always outweighs the Bad. But What the hell is going on now? I used to ask myself, “How do you know when someone is the ‘one’ for you?” I used to think it was you, but really, in reality, Nothing is for certain. Seeing other couples end has made me believe that nothing lasts forever. Like I said, I’m not giving up, but I know that I need to prepare for the worst. I’m not going to be pessimistic in this, rather just express all of reality and what’s been going on in my mind. I feel like I’ve said all that I could say. I don’t know what else there is to say to prove my point.

Why do people wait till something bad happens to finally appreciate something or someone? – This seems to be the topic of the day. I really understand that we’re all human and as humans we react. It’s in our nature. That’s what we do. But let’s start being mature. I mean what does it mean to be mature, exactly? I’m saying, let’s look at the bigger picture. Let’s stop bitching about the little shit that doesn’t really matter. In the end, who looks like the complete dumbass for bitching about those things? We have nothing but ourselves to blame, don’t we? There’s people with far other greater problems and issues out there and we bitch about this? So that is what I motivate myself with. That is why I keep my head up high, and that is what inspires me to stop worrying and bitching about my own problems. People really should take into account what really matters in life. I mean, it just sucks that I have to witness these things coming from people I love. There’s no way to getting it through to people’s head. I think that people need to start making changes from themselves first and dig deep within in order to understand.

I digress, so in conclusion, with all the strength that I have accumulated within my years of living, I feel like Nobody’s shit don’t phase me no more. I’m looking at broader perspectives now, the world is in a far bigger shithole, than I am as an individual. No matter what petty situations I get into, with family, friends, lovers, etc. I will never take it to the extreme and today is the DAY that I finally believe my words when I say, I truly love myself. And because I love myself and am “in love with myself” I know WHAT I DESERVE. And I know what I live for; Love and positivity.

If there’s one thing I want to be remembered for after I die, it’s for making people smile and being a positive person. As much as I can be a negative person (hence the Gemini in me), I have learned to find this balance and accept ALL MY FLAWS because it’s part of this unconditional love I have for myself.

So, in the end, I have you to thank for that. I thank you for helping me find my way. You know who you are, I love you and will always be in love with you.

ps. I mean all the shit I say in here, to every single letter. So much that it makes me cry.

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