I’m actually kind glad that no one that knows me knows that I have this blog. I don’t really care for an audience. If anything it’s good for self expression. I don’t know what has become of me lately. I tend to push away people that I love and love me. And I can’t explain why I am the way I am now. It’s like one second I’m good, the next I’m hating everything about my life. I wish things can just go back to the simple way that they were. I hope that everyone who does love me unconditionally understand that I am just going through a phase that I can’t even understand myself.
I wish I can just take back all the mean/bad things I’ve said and hurtful things I’ve said. I really don’t mean what I say, but I’m such a fool for doing that. The worst part of it all is, I know that I act like a bitch when I know I’m at fault myself.
I don’t know if anyone has ever felt this way before. I feel like I’m such a hopeless person. I’m always positive, yet other times I’m really not. There’s so much I want to say, but I don’t know. It’s like people don’t ever see this side of me. It’s the complete opposite side of me, this really dark and cold and lonely world.
I’ve been struggling with issues my whole life and sometimes I want to blame it on the fact that I’ve grown up in a household full of drama. How traumatizing is it for a child to grow up around parents so negative and fought every second of the day? It’s like, lowkey I feel like it’s part of what makes me what I am today. I know I can’t blame anyone, but myself. But I truly feel like there’s been some psychological effect that has taken its toll on me. I hope that one day I find the strength in me to stop pushing people away when all they’re trying to do is help. I guess I need to go away for a while and just get my life together.
I’ve always been an insecure person and I’ve also been struggling with the fact that I can’t love myself fully. I’ve been told all the time, “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” I’ve actually believed it and thought I lived it my whole life, but in reality, I never really lived those words. I thought I loved myself. But ever since I was young, thoughts of hurting myself always scrambled my mind. But of course, I’ve never done anything and *knock on wood* nothing would ever come to that point in the future. I become so passionately infused with my emotions that I don’t know how to control them. And sometimes I feel like I myself don’t even know what I’m capable of. It’s like sometimes I feel like I need help. There’s so much more to it that I feel like no one can ever really understand. Ultimately, I’m a selfish brat that will never be able to come to cope with just how I am entirely. I guess that rambling is beginning to sound like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. But I just had to get thoughts out. So much for a good day, but I’m just living the aftermath of my ruins.
When will the day come, where I will come to terms with loving myself fully? I lay the rest in God’s hand. May peace be with myself and God be with me.
I’d appreciate prayers and forgiveness from those around me and those I love and love just the same.