HazzleJoy

I’ve lost myself.

I’m just going to close my eyes and see how my emotions will draw on the words I wish to write..

I feel so lost. I’ve never felt so lost before. I feel like I’ve lost myself.

I used to be the person I’ve always imagined myself to be. But what is that self? Is that just an image of untruthfulness? Why have I become this person. I’m not horrible. I do things accordingly. But ultimately, I’m selfish. I’m lazy. I’m just a wasteful product of God’s creations. Taking up more space and wasting away in this life of sin. Why must others suffer with my presence? Why must the inside hurt so much more than the eye can see? Is there a ray of hope? A ray of light? Or will this darkness just settle and let itself be?

What is a person to do? So much intensity. I feel so disconnected. I feel so useless. I feel like I can’t and don’t want to make a change. Don’t. How sad is it that I don’t want to change what is a burden in my own life. How sad is it that I’m that selfish enough, that lazy enough to not want to make that change in order to make my life better. How is it that I’ve lost who I am? Where did I come from? Have I lost my roots? Who was the person I used to enjoy being? She has diminished into thin air and there is nothing left..

Why must these inexplainable emotions run through me? WHY? Why do people see the good in me? Why must my emotions eat me up alive inside? How does anyone live with so much darkness overwhelming the inside of the body? How does anyone continue to survive this cruel cruel world? HOW?

Lost.

Lost in a time so senseless.

Lost in a self so useless. A burden. A burden in the eyes of one another.

No one can save me. The only savior of one self is one self.

How must one self make a change? How must one self continue to live life fully and completely?

Many questions continue to be unanswered. As life is to be a continuance of unknown journeys.

Lost.

I have lost myself.