HazzleJoy

Sitting in the horn center at school, killing time before my next class. Since Tuesdays are my longest breaks, with three hours to spare and I finished my hw, why not spill some inner thoughts. So last night, I had a heart felt online conversation with a good friend of mine and it made me realize more about the friendships I have with people. For some reason, he has always put a little bit more effort then others. I feel guilty for not being such a great friend, for leaving people clueless about my whereabouts. I used to be close. But, I couldn’t help but distance myself from the social scene, the party scene, the club scene. To blame for this? Nonetheless, people will jump to conclusions about having a boyfriend. Wow, there goes being judgmental at its highest format! Whatever! That’s the thing, I could care less what people think about me. Maybe it is so the reason for my “missing in action” status. But what does it matter? Am I honestly, being a bad friend? Because REAL friends are going to not give a fuck about my status and try to talk to me anyways, kick me in the face and say WTF is going on?! HAHA. okay, maybe NOT in all cases. But I guess I’m just trying to figure myself out for the most part. I’m just trying to find myself and not get lost in the crowd. For so long I’ve felt like I was just putting up with bullshit. And not even going to front, I’m sure guilty as hell with that too. I feel like I fake my smile just to get by, I was depressed as hell. And sometimes, I feel like I am when it comes to certain things. But I know that I DON’T want to regret the times I miss with special people just because I’m being selfish and want to be more of a loner lately. But I guess, people just do what they gotta do sometimes.

Yeah, I guess you could say it sounds super hypcritical, but oh well. It all sounds verrrryy contradictive. Even I’m like, WTF am I saying. IDK. I’m just going with the flow of things, I guess. But whatevers. I’m not complaining. Just venting. Ha. Hmm.. what else is there to say about that? After college, which of those friends are actually going to be there for you anways? To doubt them is extremely pitiful, but it’s the truth. And the first way to figure that out is breaks and vacation. Who do you see yourself chillen with during winter, spring, and summer break? YEP, my point exactly. Stay real people. Stop bullshitting yourselves. BUT I DEFINITELY AGREE, that it’s a TWO WAY STREAK. SO, I might be failing as a friend on my part, HOWEVER, my absence does not entirely mean that I’m CARELESS. CUZ I’m absolutely not. I am always going to be there for anybody that needs me. Trust.

Change of topic. UGH. Something that’s been killing me at the pit of my stomach. Makes me want to puke. Sometimes I can’t control the thoughts that I have about people that are just so inconsiderate. Like really, if you know someone is taken, why can’t you just STOP. I understand what being a friend is, trust me, I know. There’s a line you can’t cross and there are boundaries and limits. I just don’t understand what people’s intentions are. And it’s annoying the hell outta me. Just straight disrespectful. GET a grip on yourself and do the RIGHT thing. HAHA. And I don’t mean that sarcastically whatsoever! BUT, I can’t get too crazy with my thoughts because I can’t make any false accusations, jump to conclusions, or make any judgments. So, I’m just leaving that thought plain and simple.

Oh and as for my mom. I guess she’s finally understanding me and learning to let me live my life. She may not accept my decisions, but eventually she will consider my feelings. Eventually, she will allow me to make my own judgments about things. Mothers will never stop being mothers. It’s what they do. I got to spend time with my family over the weekend, so that was nice.
Maybe I shall catch up on some sleep before my next class and wake up to get some lunch or something. If it weren’t for honeybabes, I’d be a starving child. Sadly. =/

Till the next blog, toodles.